Zero
by McGrellen
Summary: Set before the events of 'He's Our You.' In the Dharma Initiative a young Ben feels like a zero, but on this tiny shore he feels like he can achieve anything. Ben contemplates his life and wishes he could take control of his own destiny.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Lost, I just like to play with it a bit! Unfortunately I don't own Ben Linus or Michael Emerson either. Please read and review.

Zero

The sound of the waves beating against the shore lulled him slowly into sleep's waiting arms. There was something quite beautiful about the way he dreamt, or so he had always thought, his dreams crept up on him ever so stealthily that sometimes he could not remember what was dream and what was real. He had always imagined that his subconscious was like some other person in the depths of thick cloud, and it was only when sleep came that this mysterious and intriguing person was unveiled. He felt more alive in his dreams that he did in any waking moment. His subconscious could do anything it wanted: when his father struck he could strike him back, he could stand there with blood on his hands and there would be no consequences. In his dreams he wasn't tied to the life that he led, pathetically weak, but he was strong and took control of his own fate. But then, in the morning, he would wake and it would all be over. He was once again a zero.

A chill breeze stirred him before he was able to fall into the sweet darkness of sleep's embrace. Gradually, he lifted himself up so that he was propped on his elbows looking out to sea, absorbing every single detail. He was in his most favourite place on the Island: a stony shore, with only the lapping of the waves and the moon to keep him company. Away from people, and the frustrations of life; away from him, and all the hurt that came with him. Here he didn't feel so powerless. It seemed to him that, if he so wished, he would be able to control the speed of the incoming waves. He was in control of his own destiny on this small stony shore; no one could disturb the peace he found here.

Behind him the jungle surrounded the edge of the rocky beach; so densely packed were the trees that they managed to block out any noise that might happen to drift across the Island. There was no sound of a rumbling Dharma van, or the intense high-pitched ringing of the sonar fence. It was as if the beach existed in its own little world that could not be penetrated by anyone or anything but him. He had certainly never seen a single soul during his increasingly frequent visits there, only the odd cry of a native bird would ever disturb the peace. He had not even shown or told Annie about his own personal heaven, if she had ever asked where he disappeared at night he was sure that he would have told her, but then she never asked.

The wind began to pick up and he shivered, drawing his jacket closer about his body, trying to trap the heat inside. On the cool night air he could smell salt, it was so refreshing it lifted any remnants of sleep from his mind; he took another deep lungful and exhaled slowly. Sometimes it was the smell of the place that nearly broke him: it was so pure. Usually, when he was at home, all he could smell was the stench of stale beer, rotting food and the odour that seemed to leak from his father whenever he was near. The smell of the shore, though, made him feel alive again. It made him feel as though his nerve-endings were on fire. But the feeling never lasted, the moment he crept back into his home and tip-toed past his snoring father, it disappeared. Perhaps that was why he kept returning: nowhere else did he feel more relaxed and alive at the same time, and he was slowly becoming addicted to it.


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own Lost I just like to play with it a bit. Reviews give me inspiration so if you can spare a minute then please do! Thanks!

One

Ben crouched down low, tapped the code back into the sonar fence, and once the distinctive ringing noise it made returned began to make his way softly back to the Dharma village. He had become quite expert at coming and going from the village without being noticed, or so he thought, ever since his first encounter with Richard. It was one of the only things he prided himself on: he was sneaky if nothing else. The bushes and trees started to thin out as he got closer to the village, he could already see a couple of pinpricks of light in the distance, he would have to be extra careful from now on. He stopped suddenly sure that he had heard a noise close by, perhaps it was only a bird, but he could never be too careful. If he got caught sneaking around in the middle of the night, then not only would he be hauled up before Horace, but there would be worse punishment in the form of his father.

'Ben.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard her soft voice calling his name. He spun around and there she was, Annie, standing watching him carefully. Even in the darkness he could see her bright eyes sparkling expectantly.

'Have you been following me?!' He gasped, feeling angry at the possibility.

'No, of course not,' she replied, 'I've been waiting for you to get back from wherever it is that you disappear to every night.'

'Why?' He said stoically, not letting any of the myriad of emotions he was feeling creep into his voice.

'Ben, we've barely spoken in weeks, we used to talk all the time and now…' She sounded hurt, and it nearly broke his heart to hear it, she was the only real friend he had ever had and he had been pushing her away.

'I've been busy, Annie, it's not –'

'Don't you dare, Benjamin Linus! Don't you dare give me that rubbish, I know you, and I know when you're lying.'

He didn't reply, but instead gazed into her eyes, willing her to understand without him having to speak the words. Things were getting worse with his father, if that was even possible, as their relationship deteriorated further and his drinking got worse. It disgusted Ben to be associated with him, to have to sleep in the room next door to him; all he wanted was to escape his miserable life. That was why he had started frequenting the stony shore, which no one else appeared to know about, because he felt at peace there. But as deeply as he felt like he was being slowly destroyed by his father he still could not bring himself to say the words, it was an admittance of weakness that he could not afford, he did not want to be pitied not even by her.

'Is it your father?' She whispered, moving closer to him and reaching for his hand.

Again, he made no reply, she knew the truth and that was all that mattered. His Annie. He would have done anything for her, die for her even, the only person who knew him for who he really was.

'Where do you go at night?' It sounded almost as if she was pleading with him, wanting something, anything he could give her.

'A beach,' he croaked, the words coming unbidden to his lips, to the only person he would ever tell. 'It's a couple of miles north of here. I found it; I've never seen anyone else there. Not even-'

'The Hostiles?'

'No, not even them.'

'You wouldn't mind even if they did would you?' The way she looked at him then felt as though her eyes pierced into his very soul.

Before he could reply, however, there was the sound of one of the Dharma vans roaring into life. It sounded as if it was heading in their direction. Annie grabbed hold of Ben's arm and dragged him in the opposite direction; her grip on his arm was so tight it was almost painful. They hid behind a large clump of bushes as the van rushed past them, LaFluer at the wheel, unaware of their presence nearby.

'I have to go,' Ben said abruptly, 'If he is awake and knows I'm not there…'

'I understand. Ben, please-'

'I will, I promise.' He paused, unsure exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. 'Would you- I mean- would you like to come with me to the beach I told you about?' He cast his eyes downward, immediately regretting that he had said anything, fearing rejection.

'I would love to, but what if someone finds out?'

'No one will, I am very careful,' he said, suddenly self-assured. 'You won't regret it.'

She nodded and smiled at him, making him glow inside, and then turned around and walked back to where her parents lived on the opposite side of the village. The prospect of having to return to his own house made his heart sink and, dejectedly, he began to walk back there as slowly as he possibly could. As he approached the front door he saw that none of the lights were on, relief washed over him as he knew that he had once more got away with his night time escapade, he quietly opened the door and stepped inside. He shut the door behind him with a soft click. He was half way across the room when the light switched on, and his father was revealed sitting on the couch staring at him with burning eyes.

'Where have you been?'

Ben's blood turned ice-cold.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you for all the lovely reviews! If you have a spare minute or so it would be great if you could review this chapter too!

Two

Ben emerged into the bright sunlight, his heart beating a double rhythm in his chest as he imagined the whispers that would follow him everywhere that day, and began to make his way to the Dharma classroom. To say his father had been displeased with him last night would be an understatement, he had suffered for disappearing off into the night, but he suspected his punishment would have been much worse if he had told the truth. He had learnt a long time ago that telling the truth got you nowhere in life; his father had bought his half-truth about being with Annie that night, but that did not exempt him from paying for his crime. Would his father ever stop taking his anger and resentment out on Ben? He doubted it.

He was extremely early for his first lesson of the day and none of the other students had yet arrived at the classroom, he preferred it this way, being alone had always been better than having company to Ben. The exception to the rule, as there always is, was Annie. He had never minded her company, and by some miracle she had never minded his. Last night she had agreed to come with him to his beach, he was determined that it would happen, but it would probably have to wait a few weeks: he wasn't about to get caught again. After the events of the previous night he longed to return there and clear his thoughts, to feel the cool ocean breeze on his face, and breathe in that addictive sea air that made him feel so alive. There would be no chance of him escaping tonight: his father would be keeping an eagle eye on him.

Sighing, Ben saw something move out of the corner of his eye. Making their way through the village he could see some of his fellow classmates approaching: Jonathan, Mark and Stephen. 'Great,' he thought, 'three on one.' He had never been popular, and had never wanted to be, but it was at times like this that he wished he had somebody to back him up.

'Hey.' Her voice brought him to his senses. He turned and she was stood a few yards away from him, her hand brought up to cover her eyes from the burning sun, she was squinting all the same.

'Annie...'

'What on earth happened to you?' She said before another word could leave his lips, and she was immediately by his side her hand resting on his cheek.

'I fell,' he said before he could stop himself. This was not strictly a lie, he thought, after all, his father had pushed him and he had fallen on the floor. The bruise on his left temple could easily be attributed to knocking his head on the corner of the coffee table, and if anyone cared to ask, then he would say that he had tripped over a book he had left on the floor.

'When will you ever stop lying to me?' She said sadly, her hand dropping from his face to her side.

'You're the only person who knows for sure when I am… and when I'm not.'

'Is that supposed to make me feel better?' She asked.

'Benjamin Linus!' It was Jonathan, Ben nearly rolled his eyes at his pathetic voice, but he didn't want to make things worse for himself.

'Jonathan, lovely morning don't you think?' He said sarcastically.

'Don't you get smart with me, you little git, you know what day it is!'

Of course, he had forgotten, a year ago that day Jonathan's father had died and it had been Ben's father's fault. Roger had been delivering supplies to the men putting the final touches to the Flame station when he had lost control of the van on a muddy slope. Jonathan's father had been in the van at the same time, having a caught lift with him from the main barracks, and had died when the van collided with a tree at the bottom of the slope. His head had gone clean through the windscreen. Jonathan had of course decided that 'creepy' little Ben would be the perfect person to take out his hurt and anger on. But Ben wasn't willing to become Jonathan's punching bag for something that wasn't his fault.

'I'm sorry, I didn't realise,' he said, trying to alleviate the tension. 'It must be-'

'If your daddy wasn't such a drunken idiot then mine would still be alive! It's his fault he's dead!'

'Hey! Don't take out your anger on Ben for something that wasn't his fault!' Annie interjected angrily.

'Can't you fight your own battles Ben? Do you need your girlfriend to fight them for you?' Jonathan spat.

'I don't need her,' he said in an offhand way. He didn't want her getting involved, he could only see this ending badly and he didn't want her getting hurt in the process.

He could see out the corner of his eye Annie's jaw drop in shock then her brow crease in anger at the way he had dismissed her, it was for the best really, surely she would understand? Without a word she fled, tears in her eyes, leaving Ben feeling his gut wrench and emptiness fill his soul. As he watched her flee he felt Jonathan's fist smash into his right cheek sending him crashing to the ground.

'You deserve this you sneaky bastard!' yelled Jonathan, as he made to punch Ben once more. Before Ben blacked out he saw that Jonathan too had tears in his eyes. Perhaps he did deserve it after all.


	4. Chapter 4

Three

When Ben came to he was in a bed that he immediately realised was not his own. For a few minutes he laid perfectly still, listening for any noises that might give away where he was, but didn't open his eyes. If someone was nearby then they would inevitably wish to talk about what had happened between him and Jonathan, and he didn't think he could stand the look of pity that would certainly be in their eyes. He didn't want anyone's pity. One day people would see that he wasn't some pathetic weakling; one day people would respect him.

Slowly he became aware of the throbbing pain just under his left eye and the stiffness in his arms and legs, he groaned internally, why was it always him that had to take a beating? He wondered how long he had been unconscious for, hopefully not for too long, he didn't want to miss too many of his lessons. Except for Richard's promise to him all those years ago school was one of the only things that kept Ben sane; the thought of falling behind the rest of his classmates filled him with unease, his intelligence was the one thing he had over most of them.

'I know you're awake, so it's no use pretending.'

The voice jerked Ben out of his reverie, and he sat bolt upright to find himself staring at a woman who had been sat next to his bed the whole time and he hadn't even heard her breathing! It was Juliet, who he had seen from afar but never actually spoken to, and she was looking at him so intently that he had to avert his eyes. He realised then that he was in the Dharma medical centre. On his left was another bed encircled by curtains, which piqued his interest, he wasn't aware of anyone else having fallen ill. Now he came to think of it, he had never been aware of Juliet being on the medical staff, he had always thought she was a mechanic…perhaps he was wrong.

'It's okay… it doesn't look too bad.'

'I doubt that somehow,' he replied bitterly, still not raising his eyes.

'Here.' She extended her hand to give him two white pills and handed him a glass of water with the other. 'To help with the pain.'

He took them without question and swallowed them quickly, the sooner he could convince her that he was fine the sooner he could get out of here. Memories of what he had said to Annie came flooding back, he desperately wanted to explain to her why, and he wanted to make her understand that he did need her more than anything.

'What happened?' asked Juliet, as she stood up and shined a small light in his eyes checking for his pupils reactions.

'Jonathan happened.'

'You shouldn't let him convince you that you're in some way to blame for his father's death.'

Ben remained silent. He didn't understand why she was talking to him about this; it wasn't like they had ever crossed paths before, or if she had ever paid him a moments notice. Juliet stopped checking his eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed a careful distance away from him.

'Because you're not. You didn't deserve this Ben.'

'Can I go back to classes now?' He asked, ignoring her statement, he wasn't going to open himself up to her of all people.

'I don't think so, you may have a concussion, I would like to keep an eye on you…'

'Please?' He looked at her imploringly, begging her to let him go, he had to find Annie. 'I already feel much better, this Island…'

'Even with that being the case I think you should stay a bit longer, just to be sure.'

From behind the curtain to his left a baby started crying, and Juliet leapt to her feet, immediately rushing to the curtain. That explained it then, Amy, Horace's wife, had given birth. Ben wondered where Horace was though; it seemed unlike him to not be by his wife's bedside after she had given birth.

'I will be back in a moment,' said Juliet before disappearing behind the curtain.

Ben seized the opportunity and as quietly and quickly as he could he slipped off the bed and crept towards the doors. Once he was outside he ran as fast as he aching legs would carry him towards the tree line. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was eventually hidden from view, he had a hunch that Juliet would not tell on him to anyone, but there was no way he could sit and wait in the medical centre when he knew that somewhere Annie was thinking the worst of him.

***

A/N: Please read and review! This is kind of a transition chapter, but don't worry there is more action to come in the next chapter.


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